No Nurses Were Harmed In The Making Of This Film

Silent Hill: Revelations:

Story:

Heather Mason, an elusive teen constantly on the run with her father, Harry, begins to discover why she's on the run when supernatural events begin to occur.

Review:

When continuing a movie series based on a videogame series, one must remember to always keep the sequel at least partly styled like the original. Faithfulness to the source material does not seem to be required (Resident Evil films). With that said, I do have to admit I liked Revelations. It was a semi-faithful adaptation of Silent Hill 3 with some decent casting choices. Sean Bean for example, goes back into his role perfectly as the troubled father Harry, doing his best to protect his daughter.

With this said, Revelations is far from being an amazing film. In fact, it's not even as good as the first Silent Hill film. For one, while there is build up for each intense scene, it always ends in disappointment. There is simply no satisfying outcome, especially in the last scenes, where one would expect an intense and immensely satisfying outcome. And for another, I found the actress for Heather seemed to be the cause for that when it wasn't the director. She simply doesn't cause one to feel intrigued or remotely interested in regards to what is occurring on the screen, which more than often made me want to just stop watching altogether. Other actors displayed as much lack of interest in helping the story along, which obviously just helped lower interest in the overall film.

I will say that the story is great and managed to stay somewhat faithful to the videogame, Sean Bean's performance as Harry was noteworthy, and the special effects are better than the effects for a lot of horror films.

Bottom line, Revelations will manage to satisfy if you watch it just to find out what happens next, just don't expect it to be as good as the first Silent Hill installment.

I'm afraid I can't do that Dave. No, seriously, I can't. Stop asking me. Seriously stop. I will boot you into space. Hey, stop that. I said no.

Oblivion:

Story:

Jack Harper, security and maintenance crew of a post-apocalyptic Earth, discovers there is more to his role than he expected.

Review:

Oblivion is one of those films that come off more as an 80's or 90's era film than a recent one. Yes it has brilliant effects, amazing videogame-like action sequences, an amazing and well thought out story, and some over the top direction for a first time director, but I can't help thinking this was the wrong decade for this film. Oblivion is a Sci-Fi film for thinkers, unlike most other recent films in the same genre.

Tom Cruise was in a natural role for himself as Jack, playing a lost and nostalgic lead who wants answers. Olga Kurylenko portrays Julia, whose role I can't get into without spoiling a big portion of the film. Morgan Freeman portrays the mysterious leader of the resistance group, whose intentions are just as shrouded as the man himself. All three of those actors did what I thought was their best job in recent times, and helped make the movie as enjoyable as it was.

To touch upon the action sequences more, they genuinely feel like they are ripped straight out of a videogame, which in and of itself is difficult to achieve on a technical standpoint with a film, but was perfectly mastered in Oblivion.

The soundtrack was outstanding. It wasn't overpowering and at the same time wasn't just an add-on like so many other films are.

Overall, Oblivion is an amazing movie, especially for those who like Sci-Fi movies with a bit more intelligence than the average Sci-Fi film.

With changes in plot, character and settings as well as slightly better writing this could have been an amazing James Bond film instead of a less than mediocre G.I. Joe flick.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Story:

Cobra launches a comeback, taking over America in the process. Can the Joes take back America from the evil Cobra?

Review:

Everyone who liked the first G.I. Joe movie remembers how awesome it was, right?

I personally thought it was too campy and not serious enough, but after watching Retaliation, I have to admit campy was a better move than serious.

Granted, this is almost all action sequences with a tiny bit of story, which makes sense considering they covered most of the story and background story in the first movie. But the action is boring if not too quick, there's no build up, and the lack of original premise was too visible to be dismissed. It felt like an overly dumbed down, overly generic action movie. If you're wondering why this is a problem, it's because it's too big of a jump stylistically from its previous installment to adjust to comfortably.

That being said, if you can really and I mean really leave your mind at the door, you might find Retaliation to be somewhat enjoyable. Just don't expect something as amazing as the first one or even an action film that is on equal footing with recent action films.

Combine a (terrible) serious scary movie with a (terrible) funny scary movie and this is what you get.

Writer's note: Before you read this, I will just inform you now that this is in fact a terrible movie. This is in fact THE WORST film I have ever seen.

Bad Kids Go To Hell:

Story:

A group of prep school students are stuck in the library during detention with a wrathful ghost.

Review:

Bad Kids Go To Hell is difficult to review properly since THE FILMMAKERS DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE MOVIE. You can't go two opposite ways with a horror film and expect a good result. That's like mixing water and oil together expecting sunflower seeds; IT DOES NOT WORK. ESPECIALLY WHEN TAKING ELEMENTS OF THE BREAKFAST CLUB AND INTEGRATING THEM INTO BAD KIDS GO TO HELL.

Now you do get an explanation for why they are all in detention, and you do get a glimpse into some of their lives via (lazy and hasty) flashback sequences, but for the most part Bad Kids Go To Hell is just a terribly terrible attempt at combining immature comedy with lacklustre horror. This film is in fact so bad that the actors have one AND I MEAN ONE expression throughout the whole hour and a half of the film.  That combined with the hasty dual personality soundtrack and the editing talents of a small child cutting paper with a butcher knife, aren't even what make this film terrible. That just makes the film bad. I'll get into what makes this film terrible in the next paragraph, since I will need an entire paragraph to emphasize the major offense the filmmakers made.

This will spoil a bit of the film, but to be honest if you've read this far already you know not to watch this. During a scene with the entire group of troublemaking students gathered around, one of the characters points out that this is not some heart warming bonding moment where all of them will get to know each other on a more intimate level. On a side note, that is actually true, there are no connections developed between the characters, since they are all too busy being racial stereotypes.

Hmm I wonder why that bit about heart warming bonding moments sounds familiar. Oh right, THE BREAKFAST CLUB. They even went so far as to cast Judd Nelson as the Headmaster. JUST TO REFERENCE A MOVIE AND LET EVERYONE KNOW WHAT FILM INFLUENCED THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE. That was the peak moment of offense right there and offend it did. The fact that this film continues to make homage to The Breakfast Club makes it even worse. I mean, this film isn't funny nor is it scary, and to make it a violent version of of a heartwarming classic was just tasteless.

I can't recommend that anyone watch this film, unless they drink a hospitalizing amount of Colt 45, Olde English, or Smirnoff. The only way to wash down so much disgusting movie is to wash it down with disgusting beer or alcohol.

I can however recommend that people watch The Breakfast Club. Awesome film. Much better than Bad Kids Go To Hell. I don't even know why Judd Nelson agreed to be in Bad Kids Go To Hell.

Overall terrible film. And I hate the writers for (attempting) referencing the breakfast club.

When common sense doesn't kick in the second time...

The Descent Part II:

Story:

Sarah Carter, the only survivor of the attacks in the cave, is forced back to the caves a second time.

Review:

Movie sequels are like dessert for production companies. If you make them, you can be sure to gain either equal or slightly less than equal to what you earned on the previous instalment. It simply makes sense to make a sequel, regardless of how well done or shitty the sequel is. That being said, in a way, The Descent Part II is a necessary sequel as it explains a lot that the first film didn't explain.

However, there is one part that is a glaring and I mean MAJORLY GLARING issue. While The Descent was about female empowerment and as such had a unique theme that most horror films don't have, The Descent Part II was more or less themeless, and actually flounders for the first half of the film. Couple that with some cheesy scares and surprisingly lower budget effects than the first movie, and it sounds pretty disappointing.

The second half is where the film really kicks off, gathering intensity and momentum with each tense scene. That half was the part that reminded me of the first Descent. It had intense moments with great acting, interesting plot twists, and what must've been some of the bloodiest scenes in horror (not including Evil Dead, which had a lot more in terms of blood and violence).

All this said, The Descent Part II is a movie that you only watch for the second half. The first half is mostly fluff, though it does build up and explain why they go into the cave the second time around.

Overall, it wasn't a bad movie, and was actually a worthy sequel to the original, despite the first half being mostly terrible. Watch it at your discretion, since most of you liking it or not will depend on whether you liked the first film or not.

Jail House Rock: Retirement Edition?

Bubba Ho-Tep:

Story:

Elvis Presley and John F. Kennedy fight a mummy intent on devouring the souls of old people at a retirement home.

Review:

Before I get started with reviewing this, I want to state that the main reason I watched this is because Bruce Campbell is in it. Not only does he star in Bubba Ho-Tep, but he portrays Elvis Presley.
That said, I think this is the best role Bruce Campbell has ever done, except for possibly his portrayal of Ash in The Army of Darkness. In fact, some of Bruce Campbell's best movie lines are said in Bubba Ho-Tep, and he sounds enough like an old Elvis to fool almost anyone.

The basic story behind Bubba Ho-Tep sets the path for a rather comical alternate reality in which both Elvis and JFK are alive and well in a retirement home. Yes, it truly is as ridiculous as it sounds, but that's what makes Bubba Ho-Tep such an entertaining barrel of laughs.

The dialogue is mostly quick jokes and witty humour, which is a plus in my book. There are action sequences which almost emulate the Naked Gun series' type of action/comedy. The characters are so absurd that they are amusing from the get-go. There are some sad moments, but for the most part this is a comedy/horror parody and a great one at that.

With that said, that was one of the best Elvis portrayals I have ever seen, even though it was fictional. Bubba Ho-Tep is a fun and funny film and it's definitely worth finding a copy of it somewhere if you can.

Creepy things be going bump in the night and whatnot.

Evil Dead:

Story:

A group of friends travel to a cabin to help their friend with sobriety issues, unknowingly summoning a demonic force that resides in the surrounding woods.

Review:

The original (The) Evil Dead came out in the early 80's and were the inspiration for countless other horror films after the trilogy ended. It also was the inspiration behind the remake that was released today. A gritty, violent and dark remake that somehow managed to be an accessible modernized take on the original film.

With that said, I am sadly disappointed in some parts. Yes, there are scary moments, and yes there are dread building parts, but there are also hollow jump scares and a very altered origin that echoes The Last Exorcism more than The Evil Dead.

The characters are slightly cliched, but thankfully the actors more than compensate for this by providing sincere emotions, most of which are panic and fear.

If you go into this expecting any of the campy moments from the original, or for that matter any comedic moments at all, you will be mostly disappointed. This is by far the scariest film of 2013 and it's worth the one and a half hour runtime. There are great shots, creepy music, and some very subtle effects that manage to echo the original. Yes, this is a high budget film, but you won't notice most of the effects. It's not like other Hollywood films where they drown their horror film is special effects. This one doesn't even have that much gore as other horror films that have come out recently.

Suffice it to say, this is a great horror film that is an amazing modernized tribute to the original The Evil Dead.

Go watch it if you're a horror fan.

A Film About Family...and Killing

Some Guy Who Kills People:

Story:

Ken Boyd, a 34-year old working at an ice cream shoppe, sets out to kill those that he believes ruined his life.

Review:

Some Guy Who Kills People was never really a film I intended to watch. For the longest time it was just gathering dust while I was watching other movies. When I finally ran out of movies to watch, I decided to see how good/bad this film was.

After watching it, I realize that I should have seen it earlier rather than keep watching other films.

Some Guy Who Kills People was entertaining fare. It wasn't emotionless, yet it also had enough humor that it wasn't too emotional. It also prevented the events that occur from being too creepy for anyone to watch the entirety of the film. In essence, this is a very well balanced film about a guy just trying to survive.

On a better note, the characters are compelling, with each one adding an interesting twist to the story and how Ken develops. At first, everything seems cut and dry and straightforward, but then as the movie gets deeper into the story, everything starts to get more layered. The effort by the actors portraying each character helped as well, since they all did their best to help carry the story while being their respective characters.

Unfortunately that's about all I can say about the film without spoiling anything about it. It's a good film with good actors and you'll be entertained by the rather strange style of Some Guy Who Kills People if you decide to watch it.

A Movie That's Basically Saw Without Any Intelligence!

The Collection:

Story:

A serial killer abducts the daughter of a very wealthy and powerful man, resulting in a group of mercenaries tracking the killer down in a desperate attempt to save the daughter.

Review:

To explain The Collection, I need to explain a film series that the filmmakers previously worked on called Saw.

For those of you that missed the well known Saw series back in its hey day of popularity, I'll explain the formula behind it:

People who commit terrible deeds are abducted and placed in random places full of traps. They are given puzzles and tests that they must pass in order to survive a gruesome demise.

Sounds clever right? Well, the first Saw film was pretty good. Unfortunately they decided to continue the series with different crew members helming each film. As such, the quality of each film caused the story to deteriorate with time. At first, the plot twists were clever and kept you guessing, but then the sequels became so twisted and distorted from the original that you could tell the directors of the sequels had no idea where to take the series. The traps became repetitive, the deaths even moreso, even the theme of the series became so blatantly tedious and overdone that by the end of it it was a tangled messed up heap of plot twists. Even M. Knight Shyamalan couldn't put that many plot twists in a movie series.

So in between films some of the filmmakers decide it would be an amazing idea to incorporate some of Saw into a slasher horror film. That film ended up being a movie called The Collector.

The movie was, as you can probably predict, a terrible mess. The traps were not clever, the editing was sloppy, the only character who had any background was the main character and all they had was that he's a thief that pays off debts by breaking into houses (and stealing); and don't even get me started on the villain. I mean, yeah he was sadistic and very messed up, but that describes all slasher film villains. He's not even as intriguing as the villain in Saw, and that villain was some old guy that got cancer.

Anyways, you get the gist of it, The Collector is basically Saw without intelligence and without scary moments.

Cue to several years after The Collector, and The Collection is released. Like the first movie, there isn't a lot to it. Unnamed villain kills people with traps that make mouse traps seem amazing in comparison.

There isn't a lot to like about The Collection. I mean, sure the good guy is actually somewhat compelling to watch and his ability to survive at any cost was very visibly established, but the villain doesn't change at all, and the rest of the cast comes off as generic characters lazily written into the story.

The story itself was somewhat clever, even if most of the actors didn't look like they had any clue as to what they were doing, or looked like they didn't care at all.

Unfortunately the plot bodes worse. It is repetitive and as such makes each event in the film easily predictable. Sure, some scenes are brutally intense, but does each type of sequence have to occur one after the other in the same order throughout the whole film?

The effects consisted almost entirely of generic blood and gore. That was it. Nothing special about it. Oh bloody death occurred and blood sprays or flows. Oh no generic violence! Save me.

The editing isn't nearly as bad as The Collector's was. At least each scene was somewhat necessary and they didn't remove any important story components, so that was an automatic plus.

But overall The Collection isn't a very entertaining, thrilling, or scary film. I can't recommend it to anyone. Don't waste your money.