Man, it would be awkward having an alien organism enter your body through an orifice they create. Pretty sure it would end with a lack of being able to walk straight for a few days.

The Host:

Story:

An alien race invades Earth, taking over the bodies of countless humans. All hope lies with a small pocket of humanity, and a very special girl who, driven by love, attempts to do the impossible.

Review:

Stephanie Meyers has to be one of the few authors in the world who can get away with being lazy, just because her fanbase doesn't notice it. I mean, it seriously takes an observant mind to notice, but if you're a serious fan of Twilight, do the following and you'll notice.

Read the Twilight books, and then read The Host. If you see what I mean, the review will make a lot of sense.

Despite the obvious Invasion of the Bodysnatchers influence, as well as some great actors doing incredibly great work, Saoirse Ronan and John Hurt especially, the lazy plot based on the works of what has to be the least talented author to ever make the New York Times bestseller list absolutely ruins The Host's attempts to seem like a competent Science fiction film.

First and foremost, the plot. You won't notice it immediately, but if you pay close attention it is largely copied off of the plot of the entire Twilight series. I mean, you'd think that would make her that much richer, but given that vampires and werewolves have that sexy air of mystery to them, it doesn't transfer over well for humans and aliens. You don't see anyone except for Trekkies and Star Wars fans wanting to watch intimate Klingon/Twi-lek scenes, which are probably easy to find on the internet. Throughout the whole film, I felt like I was watching a lazily done adaptation of Twilight. It's that bad.

To be fair, the directing isn't that bad, and each intense sequence feels as intense as it should. The quiet moments actually are interesting to a point, and they do help you understand certain characters.

If only the actors were good enough to make you care. Two of the main characters are portrayed by guys who have the same wooden acting as Hayden Christensen when he was Anakin Skywalker, so their facial expressions are pretty much the same throughout. Much is the same with most of the other actors, who are clearly only in the film so they can make money off of it.

I also liked some of the camera work. Some scenes are picturesque in quality and others are outright beautiful.

That being said, it's basically the lazy rehash of the plot and the wooden acting done by two of the laziest acting ever that end up ruining what could have actually been a decent sci-fi film. I would probably like this film if there werw better actors and if the source material had actually had time and effort spent on it.

Overall, The Host ended up lacking in two distinctly important areas. Only two types of people would gain anything from this film: fangirls who love watching young built guys being all...uh...angsty looking, and filmmakers who want to know whose work to do adaptations of. If you're not one of those, don't watch this.

Aliens.

If it was Evangelion, every main character would have a nervous breakdown. If it was Gundam, well, same thing.

Pacific Rim:

Story:

The world has been invaded by aliens via a dimension warp hole in the ocean. In response to the invaders, the world leaders pooled resources to create a team of mechanized robots controlled by human counterparts.

Review:

Everyone loves giant robots. The Japanese especially, what with Evangelion and several different Gundam series gaining worldwide popularity. Therefore, it only makes sense that Guillermo Del Toro directs a huge monster and robot epic the likes of which have never been done before. Pacific Rim is that epic monster battle.

For those familiar with Evangelion and Gundam there are some similarities too obvious to notice, such as the human-robot connection, and for Evangelion, the violent force that opposes the aliens.

There even some similarities to Clash of the Titans, and The Avengers, as far as epic battles and the idea of people teaming up to stop collossal evils.

That is where the similarities end.

The biggest difference is that this is a live action no holds barred action fiesta with what I have to say are quite easily some of the best visual effects I have seen in ages. With a smaller difference being the lack of a lot of the angst that the Gundam franchise and Evangelion have tons of. Guillermo is at his best, creating a beautiful futuristic world that is both shattering and entrancing to look at. The creative destruction in these fights is too engrossing to ignore.

For once, one of these giant robot movies also has an equally engaging human side to it, with a story that is incredibly well connected. Though it does come off as a bit too cliched and with a tiny bit too much testosterone at points.

The soundtrack is surprisingly epic, though you'll almost never notice it with all the violent battles blaring in over the music.

A slightly bigger issue is the lack of known actors for a big budget film. There's maybe two or three actors you'll recognize, one of which worked with Guillermo on three previous films before landing his role in Pacific Rim. If you really want to know who it is, he spoke Spanish for his first film with Del Toro. Now, I know it seems shallow and obnoxious to say that, but given the amount of time spent creating this story, you want familiar faces so you don't have to figure out who the camera is focusing on, a problem which caused the audience in my theater some confusion.

All this being said, the main focus of the movie was visual effects. Something very evident from almost the get go. Not saying that the story and subplots aren't important, but as it was, most of the audience had visible issues focusing on the backstory and found it visibly easier to focus on the epic clashes.

Overall Pacific Rim is a great film, with what are by far the most amazing visuals in a Guillermo Del Toro film, and even though the story seems typical at points, it's still great. Recommended to everyone.

In space, no one can Europa you back to Earth. Ha! I made a pun.

Europa Report:

Story:

Exploration of one of Jupiter's moons turns deadly for a crew of astronauts when unexpected events occur.

Review:

Space exploration. It's something everyone has thought of, talked about, and pondered. There's a genre of film about it, and several subgenres that theorize smaller components of it. Europa Report tries to suggest what we might find in a way that's both plausible and convincing.

The found footage style documentary presentation was very helpful in making everything seem real, though having big time tv show actors kind of snapped me out of the immersive experience whenever they were shown. The filmmakers can't really be faulted for that, but it can be annoying, especially if the scene is supposed to be immersive.

The actors are definitely convincing enough, and the interviews helped make this more documentary style than found footage, which is something I found very helpful towards enjoying the film.

There is a tiny bit of a soundtrack, but it's all for the interview segments, again helping make Europa Report seem more like a documentary than a fictional film. It's not a necessary soundtrack, but it's definitely a nice touch.

The story is amazing. I found it was actually quite the entertaining thrill ride from start to finish, though the concept behind it has been thought of and created several times with different settings, it was still an amazing story.

Overall, Europa Report was an enjoyable experience, seeming very real for a fictional film. It's out in limited theatrical release on the 2nd of August, so if you're a sci-fi nerd, find a theater and check it out. If you want to find a copy of it sooner, it's on iTunes, Google's Play Store, and Video On Demand.

The prequel to Laserdisc

V/H/S/2

Story:

Two private investigators stumble upon a strange collection of V/H/S tapes while on a case.

Review:

Last year a very low budget horror anthology called V/H/S was released. It featured everything a typical 80's horror film had, except throw in a lot more sex and a lot more violence; there was also very hastily thought out stories as well as some very predictable jump scares. If anything, V/H/S was that one film you use to show people what not to do when making a film.

Right after V/H/S was released, V/H/S/2 was rushed into production with the same idea intended, but for a sequel with a (slightly) higher budget, even going so far as to include several well known directors in the collaboration.

Here's the problem with this. You finally get decent directors helping you out, yet you still have writers whose vocabulary consists of terms only slutty 14-year olds would use. For example:

"You ride your bike more than you ride me."

That was in one of the segments. Other segments feature vocabulary and syntax on the exact same level, and it always has the effect of taking away from what is already a terrible scene.

I wish I could say the writing was the only problem. Each segment is typical of the genre it tributes in the worst way. For example, one of them involves alien abductions, and as such no background is really given for any characters. That same problem is apparent in all but one segment, which I will get to later.

Despite this being a horror film with jump scare sequences, there really aren't any scary moments. One of the requirements of a good scare is a good buildup to the scare, something which none of the segments have. You simply don't get scared at any point in the entire film.

The effects are cheap and gimmicky, the creatures/monsters even more so, and you know that their budget went straight from $1000 to $1050 just because there's barely any difference in effects.

Now to talk about the one segment which was somewhat unlike the others. It's a segment called Safe Haven and it's directed and written by Timo Tjahjanto and Gareth Huw Evans. For those unfamiliar with those names, Timo Tjahjanto directed and wrote a well received short film called Dara, and it's feature length remake called Macabre a few years ago, while Gareth Huw Evans is known for martial arts action flicks like The Raid: Redemption, and Merantau Warrior. Oddly enough, when these two paired together to make a short film for this anthology, they ended up making a rather good sequence. The first person perspective kind of ruins the scares, but as far as Safe Haven's story and execution, it's very well thought out. In fact, Safe Haven is the only good to come out of either V/H/S film.

But overall, V/H/S/2 is a film to make fun of and laugh at. Clearly the only people who put effort into it were Timo Tjahjanto and Gareth Huw Evans.

I Hate Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer.

I'm going to start this off by summarizing my review for those who don't want to read every bit of it:

I hated Disney's Lone Ranger with a passion.

End summary.

I mean, Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski were responsible for Pirates of the Caribbean, one of Disney's most successful franchises ever. Gore Verbinski himself is one of the few most versatile directors out there, what with the first Ring film in his history as a director. What went wrong?

Before I elaborate, I'm going to start with a bit of background on the two

Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer work as a team. Gore directs, Jerry produces, and the end result is always a ton of money for themselves as well as Disney. Disney is known by their fans for releasing family friendly films that everyone loves to watch, more recently their CGI animated films. By their haters, they're known as that greedy corporate cash cow that milks every franchise they create to death. I mean, seriously, we didn't need a sequel to Pocahontas, The Lion King, or The Little Mermaid (to name countless sequels) and they must have known the only reason the fourth Pirates film was such a big success was because everyone wanted to see Johnny Depp pretend to drunkenly stumble around as Captain Jack Sparrow.

Authors note: you have to admit they're going overboard with the Pirates series. Pun fully intended. It's time they sent that series to Davy Jones' locker. Walk the plank, GV and JB.

That being said, I'm a bit of both sides. I love a lot of their films, yet I hate how greedy they get. More often than not, the first film in a Disney owned series is the only film I like.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Toy Story series, their now Marvel comics adaptations, and the Monsters series with a passion, but some of their other franchises have just been run into the ground. Not to mention they have the originality of the average western horror film directors WHICH MEANS NONE BY THE WAY, but they still get respect for some of their films.

Not for Lone Ranger though.

Lone Ranger was basically only worth watching because of Johnny Depp. He is amazing as Tonto. He is literally the only part of the film that kept me awake. In essence, he was the only good part of Lone Ranger. His was the only humour you can laugh at, and his scenes were the only scenes worth watching. On a related note, I'm not fanboying; I usually think Johnny Depp's work is often overdone or underdone depending on the level of weird he uses for his roles. Even Helena Bonham Carter was unremarkable, and she had a perfect role.

I'm basically bluntly saying that you'd be better off paying someone to edit out parts that don't have Tonto in it.

All that said, I want to explain why my viewing was rather unenjoyable:

THE FOCUS WAS ALL ON TONTO. IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A CHARACTER THE FOCUS OF THE MOVIE, SHOULDN'T HE BE THE TITLE CHARACTER? In fact, every character except for Tonto was so underdeveloped and unappealing that I had to stop myself from playing Candy Crush Saga every non-Depp part. I couldn't feel any emotion for any character except Tonto, as such I could only get pulled into the world of the Lone Ranger when Tonto was on the screen. Armie Hammer's Lone Ranger was eclipsed by Johnny Depp's Tonto, as was everyone else's character. That being said, guys with Johnny Depp fangirl girlfriends, if you want to get some awesome intimate time with your lovely lady after the show, Lone Ranger is the way to go. It's one of only two reasons anyone should watch this despicable piece of garbage that is evidently a desperate cash cow.

That's not even half of the bad either.

The use of CGI was just appalling. If I wanted to gouge my eyes out due to 3D effects, I would strap on Oculus goggles (virtual reality peripheral) and find a way to watch Tron Legacy through it. It wasn't even realistic CGI, it was that low budget 90's CGI that we thought was wonderful before we discovered it was all filmed on a green screen. I mean, at least they had the decency to film this in an actual desert BUT YOU DON'T CRAM CGI INTO EVERY SINGLE SCENE. THIS IS NOT TRANSFORMERS, GUYS! The CGI was so overused that it in fact detracts any excitement from the action scenes. It was so bluntly obvious that it's computer generated that you don't feel any adrenaline and you don't get pulled into it. Even by popcorn flick standards that's terrible.

And the story! Oh man, I mean I know this was supposed to be a traditional western, but couldn't it be something that wasn't so typical? *Insert crazy event* happens so guy wants revenge. We didn't ask for a western remake of The Crow, or a Disney version of Zorro, we want Lone Ranger! Even by the low standards the film industry has for originality, this was by far the lowest of the low.

On shorter notes, I didn't notice the soundtrack, and the plot twists are predictable from the get go. That's how forgettable and unremarkable they were. The plot twists are equal to M. Night Shyamalan. We either know it's going to happen or by the time it happens we just don't give a damn anymore.

Overall, Lone Ranger is a terrible film. I can only recommend this to Johnny Depp fangirls or their boyfriends who want to be loved that much more by their girlfriends. Johnny Depp is the only AND I MEAN ONLY GOOD THIS FILM HAS IN IT.

I'd be scared for Star Wars if it was directed by Gore Verbinski. Thankfully, J.J. Abrams is helming episode 7 of the Star Wars series. Disney was at least smart with Star Wars. And the Marvel movies too. Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer better stay away from Marvel.

Seriously Gore and Jerry, we know you're just in it for the money now. You might as well be honest about it.

Minions minions minions minions!

Despicable Me 2:

Story:

Gru, now an owner of a bakery shop, is summoned to save the world from a new, mysterious villain.

Review:

X amount of years ago, Despicable Me came out and was awesome. Steve Carrell proved to be an amazing voice for a villain who's change of heart touched everybody who saw the film. The minions were hilarious, and three children adorable. Despicable Me had the most heartwarming ending ever.

Cue to 2013, and Despicable Me 2 is out in theaters, with trailers promising the same level of greatness that its predecessor delivered.

Question is, does it really deliver?

This is where I have to get a tiny bit technical, even though it is a family film. So I'll start with the bad:

The editing is too choppy, even by animated family film standards. You're rushed from one scene to another to another and to yet another.

Now for the good:

The overall content is as good as the first film, with as much soul and effort put into it. Steve Carrell is as awesome as Gru as he was in the previous film, and Kristen Wiig's Lucy perfectly complements Gru. The story is as funny, touching, and hilarious as before, and the soundtrack equally as filled with amusing minions as the first one. Best part is, it's just as touching a film as the first one.

Overall a great family film which delivers as much as the first film.

A movie so Wrong that it's right.

Wrong:

Story:

Dolph, an ordinary guy, goes on a strange adventure when his dog Paul goes missing.

Review:

Wrong is the type of film that needs to be created more often. It's weird, surreal, and all kinds of crazy in a 'just because' kind of way.

Like Quentin Dupieux's previous film, Rubber, this is mostly an inexplicable film that still manages to entertain in a wildly imaginative way.

The plot is by far the most creative plot I have ever seen for a film, with twists both big and small. The characters are equally confounding and inexplicable, which makes the film more entertaining. Visually and auditorially this is a pleasing film. The soundtrack is a product of pure brilliance with spontaneouity throughout all of it, supporting each scene with each ridiculous track.

All the while, it manages to be a touching story about the connection between a man and his dog.

Overall this is one of the best films I have seen this year. It's funny, touching, and crazy in all the right ways. Watch it for the sake of enjoyment, and check Rubber out as well.