I'm going to start this off by summarizing my review for those who don't want to read every bit of it:
I hated Disney's Lone Ranger with a passion.
End summary.
I mean, Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski were responsible for Pirates of the Caribbean, one of Disney's most successful franchises ever. Gore Verbinski himself is one of the few most versatile directors out there, what with the first Ring film in his history as a director. What went wrong?
Before I elaborate, I'm going to start with a bit of background on the two
Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer work as a team. Gore directs, Jerry produces, and the end result is always a ton of money for themselves as well as Disney. Disney is known by their fans for releasing family friendly films that everyone loves to watch, more recently their CGI animated films. By their haters, they're known as that greedy corporate cash cow that milks every franchise they create to death. I mean, seriously, we didn't need a sequel to Pocahontas, The Lion King, or The Little Mermaid (to name countless sequels) and they must have known the only reason the fourth Pirates film was such a big success was because everyone wanted to see Johnny Depp pretend to drunkenly stumble around as Captain Jack Sparrow.
Authors note: you have to admit they're going overboard with the Pirates series. Pun fully intended. It's time they sent that series to Davy Jones' locker. Walk the plank, GV and JB.
That being said, I'm a bit of both sides. I love a lot of their films, yet I hate how greedy they get. More often than not, the first film in a Disney owned series is the only film I like.
Don't get me wrong, I love the Toy Story series, their now Marvel comics adaptations, and the Monsters series with a passion, but some of their other franchises have just been run into the ground. Not to mention they have the originality of the average western horror film directors WHICH MEANS NONE BY THE WAY, but they still get respect for some of their films.
Not for Lone Ranger though.
Lone Ranger was basically only worth watching because of Johnny Depp. He is amazing as Tonto. He is literally the only part of the film that kept me awake. In essence, he was the only good part of Lone Ranger. His was the only humour you can laugh at, and his scenes were the only scenes worth watching. On a related note, I'm not fanboying; I usually think Johnny Depp's work is often overdone or underdone depending on the level of weird he uses for his roles. Even Helena Bonham Carter was unremarkable, and she had a perfect role.
I'm basically bluntly saying that you'd be better off paying someone to edit out parts that don't have Tonto in it.
All that said, I want to explain why my viewing was rather unenjoyable:
THE FOCUS WAS ALL ON TONTO. IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A CHARACTER THE FOCUS OF THE MOVIE, SHOULDN'T HE BE THE TITLE CHARACTER? In fact, every character except for Tonto was so underdeveloped and unappealing that I had to stop myself from playing Candy Crush Saga every non-Depp part. I couldn't feel any emotion for any character except Tonto, as such I could only get pulled into the world of the Lone Ranger when Tonto was on the screen. Armie Hammer's Lone Ranger was eclipsed by Johnny Depp's Tonto, as was everyone else's character. That being said, guys with Johnny Depp fangirl girlfriends, if you want to get some awesome intimate time with your lovely lady after the show, Lone Ranger is the way to go. It's one of only two reasons anyone should watch this despicable piece of garbage that is evidently a desperate cash cow.
That's not even half of the bad either.
The use of CGI was just appalling. If I wanted to gouge my eyes out due to 3D effects, I would strap on Oculus goggles (virtual reality peripheral) and find a way to watch Tron Legacy through it. It wasn't even realistic CGI, it was that low budget 90's CGI that we thought was wonderful before we discovered it was all filmed on a green screen. I mean, at least they had the decency to film this in an actual desert BUT YOU DON'T CRAM CGI INTO EVERY SINGLE SCENE. THIS IS NOT TRANSFORMERS, GUYS! The CGI was so overused that it in fact detracts any excitement from the action scenes. It was so bluntly obvious that it's computer generated that you don't feel any adrenaline and you don't get pulled into it. Even by popcorn flick standards that's terrible.
And the story! Oh man, I mean I know this was supposed to be a traditional western, but couldn't it be something that wasn't so typical? *Insert crazy event* happens so guy wants revenge. We didn't ask for a western remake of The Crow, or a Disney version of Zorro, we want Lone Ranger! Even by the low standards the film industry has for originality, this was by far the lowest of the low.
On shorter notes, I didn't notice the soundtrack, and the plot twists are predictable from the get go. That's how forgettable and unremarkable they were. The plot twists are equal to M. Night Shyamalan. We either know it's going to happen or by the time it happens we just don't give a damn anymore.
Overall, Lone Ranger is a terrible film. I can only recommend this to Johnny Depp fangirls or their boyfriends who want to be loved that much more by their girlfriends. Johnny Depp is the only AND I MEAN ONLY GOOD THIS FILM HAS IN IT.
I'd be scared for Star Wars if it was directed by Gore Verbinski. Thankfully, J.J. Abrams is helming episode 7 of the Star Wars series. Disney was at least smart with Star Wars. And the Marvel movies too. Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer better stay away from Marvel.
Seriously Gore and Jerry, we know you're just in it for the money now. You might as well be honest about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment